Green Stockings Craft & Design

June 9, 2018

Help received or money refunded?

Filed under: Poetry — GreenStockings Craft & Creative Events @ 4:41 PM

Every time you plead #gethelp
As though we didn’t try
As though it was our choice not to be believed
or be dismissed
or be denied
To be too poor, or ever so slightly not poor enough
As though we don’t each have a list of fucking good reasons not to trust a doctor ever again
And as though we don’t sometimes fight that fear down again enough to cross the threshold of yet another greige office and begin the process again
Every time you plead #gethelp
it’s not like it’s #gettested
It’s not like this is a mystery illness that I’ll be surprised to know I have
Depressed. Got it. Yup.
It’s not like your suggestion is some new concept that we’ve never heard before

But I want you to know that I know you want to help
I know you want to feel like if it were your friend who had died as the result of depression that you were on the side of getting help
of figuring out how to stay alive
of not hiding their struggle
But I also want you to know
that every time you plead #gethelp
you decide that only one thing is true:
that it’s on me to solve this problem
As though the problem were just my own
That if I try and fail
(because of my illness or because of the system or because of the system because of my illness?)
it’s on me
That how you decide to fund hospitals by how you decide in the ballot box
is on me
Every time you plead #gethelp
I wonder if help is even a thing you can get
like shoes or a massage (self care, right?)
One minute you don’t have it, and now you do
Like, one minute no help, and now, help
Hourray!
right?
But what if one help doesn’t do it?
or two or twelve or twenty?
Help received or money refunded?
But it’s been signed for and cannot be returned in the original packaging
I must be using it wrong

Advertisements

Help received or money refunded?

Filed under: Poetry — GreenStockings Craft & Creative Events @ 12:34 AM

Every time you plead #gethelp
As though we didn’t try
As though it was our choice not to be believed
or be dismissed
or be denied
To be too poor, or ever so slightly not poor enough
As though we don’t each have a list of fucking good reasons not to trust a doctor ever again
And as though we don’t sometimes fight that fear down again enough to cross the threshold of yet another greige office and begin the process again
Every time you plead #gethelp
it’s not like it’s #gettested
It’s not like this is a mystery illness that I’ll be surprised to know I have
Depressed. Got it. Yup.
It’s not like your suggestion is some new concept that we’ve never heard before

But I want you to know that I know you want to help
I know you want to feel like if it were your friend who had died as the result of depression that you were on the side of getting help
of figuring out how to stay alive
of not hiding their struggle
But I also want you to know
that every time you plead #gethelp
you decide that only one thing is true:
that it’s on me to solve this problem
As though the problem were just my own
That if I try and fail
(because of my illness or because of the system or because of the system because of my illness?)
it’s on me
That how you decide to fund hospitals by how you decide in the ballot box
is on me
Every time you plead #gethelp
I wonder if help is even a thing you can get
like shoes or a massage (self care, right?)
One minute you don’t have it, and now you do
Like, one minute no help, and now, help
Hourray!
right?
But what if one help doesn’t do it?
or two or twelve or twenty?
Help received or money refunded?
But it’s been signed for and cannot be returned in the original packaging
I must be using it wrong

Blog at WordPress.com.